Starting point: letting go.

So I decided to make this blogsite to type out how I feel for an everyday life like I used to do for Xanga, and since for starters might as well start it off.

I'm sure by mentioning this, everyone is annoyed of it, but really deep down in me, I'm just glad its finally over. Like for all honesty, for those 9 months of despair, finally breathing air of new hope has been a wonderful feeling. I don't care how many times I have to keep mentioning it, but I'm just glad that shes finally.....not caring about me anymore...

No one understands how much it hurts to attempt to be friends with someone you had been with for over a year and 3 months, knowing that they broke your heart to the max, and think that everything is ok. To try and be friends, to have her say, "I'm still here for you" to hear those words...I really really couldn't take it anymore. A sudden realization of that its just not gonna work...It had to be done. People say, "Your just not making it work" or "You only think you can't do it but in reality, your choosing not to." To be honest, for those to have said those words, try being in my shoes for a day and listening to that. Having gone through what I've gone through of those horrible 4 months...If you really thought hard about it, you'd understand why the words come out of my mouth. You would understand the pain you'd get put through knowing that the one person you were with, is completely out of their heart. You can never be the same, nothing can mend, and nothing will be just fine. To make matters even more worse, is for that other person to have moved on...and found someone else. You come to a realization that everything was a lie. Your 1 year and 3 months of "love" was a complete lie. The things you said, the things you promised, the things you hold most memorable about, everything was a complete lie, and as for me, that is something I do not want to live it...which only comes to one conclusion....and its probably the worse, but feels like the only way. Take her out of your life. I quote this from a friend:

"Feelings of affection for a person never truly die out, they lie dormant waiting for a glimpse of hope to reemerge."- Andy Nguyen

Unfortunate thing to have believed in "False hope" and thus it being the reason why I couldn't talk to her face to face, because it was that hard and painful to look her in the eyes knowing that shes out of your life. Maybe it was a mistake of mine, but I know my friend's intention was only to make me feel better, I thank you for that Winnie, but after them having their little talk and what not and finally hearing from Winnie words, things I didn't even know about, I finally knew that other side of her and finally, my answer of why we even broke up in the first place. "Intentionally ignored you" "Intentionally made up excuses not to talk to you" "Intentionally missed your calls" better yet, telling me I'm clingy...I knew to believe...that well that does showed she lost "love" for me along time ago. For a while, I always wondered really, what did I do that made everything go wrong. Hearing these excuse...excuses such as, "He would call everyday" "I was busy with AP testing" "Too clingy" "He'd grab my arm and bruise it" those excuses...just gave me a wow look. For the correction on the last excuse, I don't even grab that hard, and I only grabed because I was tired of being walked off on when I'm in a middle of a sentence or an important conversation, but whatever.

I've always thought to believe in true love, you never neglect, you never make up excuses, and you never lie...and I was thought to have never been the one to be lied at...guess I was wrong. After hearing what she said, I knew it was finally time. Time to just...let go of that glimpse of hope, because it was completely useless. I couldn't mope over this the rest of my life, but the only thing I had wanted back out of all this, was maybe someday...she would truly....truly understand what she has done...because quite frankly, you think you do understand....ha, you have no idea what to understand in the first place...

I couldn't find anything else more then just...It was finally time to let go. Let go of the past, let go of those memories, and just...not worry. Everything will be fine... I thank Ali Safari for showing me that direction and now finding my path. I thank everyone who had to sit through my complaints and mopes over, especially Joel. I put him through so much, but I know he understands, just not completely. You've been through my ups and downs, and still here till this day, thanks. I thank Jack for showing me that its not ok to "just be friends" To be honest, I probably still be thinking it is ok to just be friends, and knowing you showed me that I was wrong, I thank you for that.

It has been a full 2 weeks since I've been happy for a while in like...9 months. I can finally step out to the light and find you again...find whoever you are that help rebuild my broken heart. The one who show me things I never knew about...someone who I can just hold again...someone I can just love again..